In honor of the SciFi comedy FUTURE ’38, which screens Wednesday, May 17 at Flix Brewhouse, the OWA staff is creating a Time Capsule to be opened in 80 years.
FUTURE ’38 is a Technicolor valentine to the classic screwball comedies of the 1930s and ‘40s, with a SciFi twist. It’s a time-travel adventure which presents the exotic future-world of 2018 A.D., as imagined by the filmmakers of 1938!
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The OWA Time Capsule is designed to represent the most significant artifacts from our era and to explain to the people of 2097 what we were all about and, frankly, what was wrong with us.
The Most Important Sports Artifacts of Our Time
1) ARTIFACT: The Golf Club That Elin Nordegren Used To Attack Tiger Woods On November 26, 2009
Tiger Woods was once the biggest star in American sports, having been the first athlete to earn $1 billion. But you’ve probably never heard of him due to his precipitous fall from grace. Besides being the best golfer on the planet, Woods broadened the appeal of golf by bringing in new fans, including many demographics beyond the sport’s core of old, white, rich males.
Woods’ world came crashing down on Thanksgiving night, 2009 when his wife, supermodel Elin Nordegren, learned that her famous husband was having affairs with roughly 120 women. She woke him from an Ambien and Vicodin haze and chased him outside with the nearest weapon she could find – fittingly, a golf club.
What happened next was detailed by the New York Post, one of our most venerated news publications: “[Woods] hopped into his 2009 Escalade; she dashed to a golf cart. It was 2:25 a.m. Woods pulled out of the driveway at 30 mph, crushed some hedges, careened into a curb, then hit a fire hydrant before smashing into a tree. He wound up in the street, unconscious, bloody and snoring. A neighboring couple ran over, and there was Nordegren, with the golf club, the Escalade’s two back windows smashed out.”
Long story short, the marriage ended as did most of Woods’ career. His golf game fell apart and his career has never fully recovered. He’s never won another major tournament and has faded into disgrace and obscurity.
2) ARTIFACT: American Football Helmet
In 2017, American football was by far the most popular sport in the country. This was true even though the participants were repeatedly maimed and concussed resulting in loss of quality-of-life and even traumatic brain injury. Uncaring sports fans and greedy players have kept the sport in good stead so far, but by 2097 surely things will have changed, right? Right?
3) ARTIFACT: Bloody Tooth
Speaking of concussions—eighty years ago (in the 1930’s) boxing was America’s favorite sport. But its popularity has faded as fight fans have deemed it not brutal enough. Thus, the sport of Mixed Martial Arts was born. In MMA, participants can beat the hell out of each other without too many cumbersome rules. Assuming sports continue to progress, MMA in 2097 should have evolved into a RUNNING MAN-style game show sport in which players fight to the death between beer commercials.
4) ARTIFACT: Chicago Cubs Championship Ring
In 2017 Baseball is still considered by many to be America’s National Game. This is diminished only by the fact that it is roughly the eighth most popular sport in the country, right behind NASCAR and just ahead of professional Badminton. 2017 is also the year the Chicago Cubs won the World Series (note: does not include the other 195 countries in the world). This is a big deal because the lowly Cubbies last won the World Series in 1908.
For their championship ring, 108 round white diamonds surround the bezel on all sides, commemorating the 108 years since the Cubs’ last World Series victory. At this pace, the Cubs should be “World Series” champs again in 2125, so you still have 28 years to wait.
5) ARTIFACT: Fantasy Sports Trophy
Fans today are not content to merely consume sports, they want to participate in them. Of course, if they had any athletic acumen, they would already be participating. Enter Fantasy Sports, which is currently a more than $2 billion industry and is poised to overshadow the actual games themselves. By 2097 Fantasy Sports should have evolved to turn the majority of Americans into degenerate gamblers, living and dying by every pitch, snap, and three-point attempt. Speaking for the sports generation that launched it all, we say: “You’re welcome!”