Lamentations of a Sarlacc

Well, the flames are starting to die down up there, so I figure that the big ol’ “overcompensation” known as Jabba’s Pleasure Barge ‘The Khetanna’ is no more.  Good riddance!!! That thing was not very practical and absolutely terrible on fuel!!! I told him not to dump all his money in it and to invest a bit more wisely, but you know Jabba. He had to show off. He’s always had to have the biggest, best things around. I guess it all goes back to his childhood and well, his “shortcomings”, if you know what I mean.  That and “Jabba’s Palace” really stretched him financially. To the point that he had to hire some of the least qualified scum and villains in the galaxy. Some of them couldn’t even shoot straight, which did them no good even if they did shoot first. I told Jabba to use the money that he was wasting on his toys and hire a proper staffing agency. But NO, he had to show off!  He was prone to suffering from delusions of grandeur!!! So most of his staff was hired off of billboard listings at Mos Eisley!!!

     Before you say anything, NO, I’m not just being jealous. Who cares that I never got a chance to ride in the barge or was even offered a chance for that matter. I couldn’t fit in it. So what?!?! I know that I’m “big boned”. It runs in my family. Sarlaccs tend to grow to about 100 meters tall. It’s just normal. Now, his party pad is a different matter!!! But don’t get me started on the whole “Jabba’s Palace” issue! Not one invitation to visit! Not ONE!!! Now, I know that I could’ve fit in there! Hell!!! He even let that Rancor asshole live there!!! Have you ever lived with one of them before?  I crashed at one of their caves for a week or so a few thousand years ago. Never again!!! Complete lack of manners, not to mention hygiene!!! While we’re on the subject of hygiene, let’s talk about the Gamorrean Guards. Those guys are some of the filthiest, smelliest creatures in the entire galaxy!!! You know where they say that pigs are happiest in. Well, those assholes have spent plenty of time in it!!! Still, they get to live in the palace!!! LIVE!!! Sheesh!!!

    Okay, I need to calm down . . . my doctor says that I shouldn’t get this worked up. Okay, breathe . . . just breathe . . .

   Yes, Jabba and I go waaay back. I mean, even before the prequels.  I may not look it, but I’m around 30,000 years old . . . give or take a hundred years.  As long as I’ve known him, he’s always been a lowdown, dirty Nerf Herder!!! He tried to get me into this real estate deal to build an oceanside resort and golf course with him . . . on fuckin’ Tatooine!!! Guy was such a slimy piece of worm-ridden filth, I told him that he should run for Supreme Chancellor!!! I took this job thinking that I was gonna be his counselor. Then he ships me off to the middle of nowhere and gives my job to Bib Fortuna!!! Later on I found out that he was being influenced by Salacious Crumb.  That lil’ fucker had been pulling Jabba’s strings all these years!!! He was controlling Jabba as if he was some big puppet!!!  I heard it was Crumb that made up that whole "In its belly, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a…thousand years.” garbage.  Complete and utter BULLSHIT!!! I have a normal digestive system!!! One hundred years, in and out!!! Maybe sooner this time around!!! I just ate this armored fella’ that is really starting to do a number on one of my stomachs!!!

Anyway, Jabba is dead and I’m unemployed.  Excuse me while I update my resume. I’ve got a bad feeling about being able to transfer my 401K. Besides being the official Palace Dancer, Oola was also head of HR!!!!


If you can't tell yet, OWA really loves STAR WARS - so much so that this May the 4th marks our third annual Star Wars Day Fan Film Screening! We take the best (and goofiest) Star Wars fan films out there and give them a night of big screen glory. This year's free event take place at 4th Tap, starting at 6pm. They even brewed some beer just for us (Light or Dark Side, take your pick...) so we'll see you there! 

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