I've conquered worlds, devoured deities, and my seafood piaya has driven royalty to orgasm, but I'm completely lost trying to find a human mate. My experience this past week interacting with women at SXSW and on eHarmony has truly humbled me. I'm a God, damn it! Why aren't women kissing my webbed feet and begging to tangle with my tentacles?
I have three days of SXSW left and I'm determined to find a mate. The only intimate moment I've had so far was when a kind, beautiful woman held my tentacles while I expelled the 45 shots of Jagermeister into the portal of Bliss, aka, the doorway of Sandra Bullock's restaurant. I don't remember much after that but I'm 99% sure I didn't get lucky that night.
I've also scrapped eHarmony and moved onto PlentyOfFish.com. It just felt more appropriate. But I've had similar results. I should have known after I looked at "My Matches"
So, my only real choice was Cindy. I got excited because she looked perfect for me and I got to chat with her. It did not last long.
Cthulhu: Hey Cindy, we should get together some time. I think we could be a perfect match.
Cindy: Yeah, I just looked you up and I think you're a little old for me.
Cthulhu: I'm ageless. I'm never too old or too young.
Cindy: Yeah, I don't think I could date someone who could be my father.
Cthulhu: Age is just a number.
Cindy: Let me be more clear: I can't date someone who could be our father, as in the father of creation.
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